I came out to my friends......

I came out to my friends......No, not about my sexuality, but about the fact that I am giving my son medication for his ADHD (some of them already knew). I told them that it was the most difficult decision I have ever made for him, because it was. We talked about it, and I spilled my guts about how I am still not comfortable with my decision. Their responses ranged from disbelief that he needed it, to stories about how they had chosen not to medicate and their child had grown out of it, to "yeah, I have been considering it for my child, also".

From first grade on he has struggled with the ability to focus on tasks and complete them, he was disorganized and easily distracted.

For me it started with denial. I was in denial about how extreme his symptoms were and I hoped that as he matured they would decrease. Instead, as he moved along in school and the expectations increased, it got more and more difficult for him to maintain his work. During the time I was working to earn my degree in counseling I researched it heavily, and finally came to the conclusion, that yes, he did meet the criteria for the illness, but I still believed that so many children do, especially boys, but that does not mean that they need medication.

One of my counseling friends said, "Yes, but you know enough with your counseling background to help him manage it without medication." and I thought yeah, I do. I too, believe that too many children are on medication for this illness, ADHD, and that too many parents quickly jump to medication as the answer.

I tried herbal supplements, and (pretty unsuccessfully) to monitor his diet. I really wanted another answer. I stayed at home so that I could be there each and every day after school, because I knew, that consistency was extremely important for children with ADHD. I would watch him struggle with his homework. I saw that information I believed he knew and understood, was next to impossible for him to get from his brain to the page on some days. I would get very irritated with him because it seemed I had to constantly redirect him to continue working on his homework. I heard the stories from the teachers, I knew that he missed PE frequently in order to complete his work at school. I thought, "If only I could be more patient with him."

I talked to other parents who had struggled with the same thing, one mom said, "I was tired of him being yelled at." that is what had helped her make the decision to say, "yes" to medication. I spoke with professionals and took him to see professionals, because his was not the hyperactive type of ADHD as much as the innattentive type it was harder to come up with a definitive answer. ADHD is funny like that, the symptoms are so subjective. There isn't a blood test that can give you the answer and there isn't a definitive cause of the illness AND it runs on a continnuum, therefore, some children's symptoms are much worse than other's. Many people don't really believe it exists, and maybe it doesn't, it is just a group of characteristics that many people believe most children exhibit at one time or another.

One professional said that although he may be able to "get by" because he is very smart, when the number of negative interactions with others, outweigh the positive, it can have a large impact on self esteem. I knew what the interactions between myself and him were like, and I could only guess they weren't much better at school. When a child has to be redirected repeatedlly, reminded, reprimanded, there is not a lot of opportunity left for positive interaction.

I continued on, just one more year, he could mature enough. Somehow the thought of giving him a strong pharmaceutical drug to help him was just too heinous for me to consider. It went against my own beliefs that there was a better way to help children. Unfortunately, the world and the school system, is the way that it is, and I cannot change that for him overnight. I began to feel that he just was not living up to his potential, and that saddened me. He is so intelligent, but it was not showing in his grades, and in his other activities such as sports, I saw him making careless mistakes, and not playing as well as I knew he could, because those things take focus, too.

I hate to admit that I compared my two children, I didn't outright, but it did become glaringly obvious to me that my 4-year-old could maintain an activity requiring sustained attention for much much longer than my 10-year-old. I know all children are different, but this forced me to see how different my oldest really was.

I lost a lot of sleep over the decision, and during the time that I was struggling with it I had a dream. In the dream I was a student, probably in fourth grade, in fact I may have even had my son's teacher. I was an adult, in her classroom with other children, and I was trying my best to follow along. I was feeling a sense of urgency, because I knew that I was behind and had not turned to the correct page that she had requested. I felt distraught, as I was trying my very best, but knew that once again I was going to disappoint her. She looked at my book and said aloud to me (impatiently) "you are on the wrong page, please follow along with the rest of the class." At this point I was on the verge of tears, because I had been trying so hard, but it wasn't enough.

When I woke up those same feelings of frustration and disappointment lingered with me. It was as if I had been given the opportunity to feel for one day what it must feel like to be my child in the classroom nearly every day. Having that understanding made me realize that this was not about me and my being the ideal model parent who does not medicate her children, but it was about my child and his sense of self worth and his being able to feel successful in school and life. It is kind of unfortunate that there is such a stigma attached to the medication, but it is more unfortunate that I have bought into it so readily and perhaps, even perpetuated it myself.

So...last year about two-thirds of the way through fourth grade he started taking medication. I must say, strangely, my life got much easier. I would tell my son one time to do something, such as put your shoes on, or go get in the car it is time to go, and he would do it. But, the best part was that he was finally able to reach his goal of honor roll in school. He would tell me that he was surprised how quickly he could complete his work in school. As for homework-time, no, it did not become fun, but it did become much much easier and much more harmonious.

Yes, there were side effects to the drug and no, I AM NOT AN ADVOCATE OF MEDICATION FOR ADHD. I still have strong beliefs about it, and yes, I am aware of my own incongruency. If you haven't noticed, I am still feeling a lot of dissonance regarding my decision. But, I have decided that I will no longer be ashamed of my decision or feel like I have in some way failed my child, although, I continue to hold onto the hope that one day he will no longer need the medication. In all my inconsistancy, perhaps, I will always wonder if it was the BEST choice for him, at the same time I ask myself "if I had made this decision sooner how much pain and how many tears could I have possibly saved my child?"

There is no right answer, as with many things in life, each parent has to make the best choice for them and their child.

Comments

[Kathy Riddle]

Kallie, I support your decision. You are with your children most and you can see your childs needs. I know many parents (and doctors) are too quick to medicate. But I also believe in some cases it is necessary. I feel that in Canyon's case you did the right thing.
I went through it with my son too, and I believe that if you don't get it under control while they are young there is a good chance they will self medicate when they get older. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family always.Take care, I love you.

[Janice]

We all just do our best. Sometimes medication is indicated. You tried other methods and thought about it for a long time. It seems you made the correct choice. Look at how his confidence has grown!

[Leann I Am]

I also believe that there are a lot of children on medication for ADHD that don't necessarily need to be. That would not be the case, however, if all of those parents did the amount of soul-searching and research that you did. You are doing this for all the right reasons and your son is lucky to have you. I'm so glad that you've seen such an improvement and I'm sure you will constantly be monitoring him for changes and seeking alternatives.

As a mother, YOU ROCK! (Somebody should buy you some baby chicks!)

[Jo]

My daughter has ADHD and I'm too scared to medicate her. I have Adult ADD myself. I commend you for making such a hard but I'm sure the very best choice for your son. I don't think things like this are ever easy for a parent so I know this is took alot of thought. I personally think you rock! Hugz

[Colin Temple]

It really is different for everybody. I know most medications don't work for me (they make my ADD, OCD and Tourette's Syndrome all worse). I've also seen the same medications work marvelously, giving some kids a chance to meet their potentials.

The plus side is that most of these medications don't have lasting side-effects, so once you're off you're usually fine. Of course, with kids it's tougher. I'm no advocate for medicine either, but in some cases I must admit, it works. And when it works it can make things so much clearer, calmer and more focused.

Your son is lucky, though. Some parents will blindly search for medications without seeking alternatives. You've obviously given this a great deal of thought, and that's fantastic.

[Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker]

Kallie, thanks for sharing your story. It isn't a decision that you made easily. The dream you had helped you to see things from your son's point of view. You thoroughly researched your subject before making your decision. It sounds like your son's being able to focus is telling you that this was the right decision for him. You are a courageous woman who has made a difficult decision. Congratulations. My daughter has a learning disability and so does my grandson. I know how difficult those kind of decisions can be.

[Nicole]

Kallie, if you ever need a friend to talk to, someone who has totally been through all of this, the ups and downs, the comments, the looks, etc. talk to ME! I have been there, done that and even for awhile ran a support group for people just like you and I.

My son has been medicated since 2nd grade and believe you me, it was the HARDEST decision I have EVER made regarding him. He is now in 7th grade and doing pretty well.

Please do not let others influence your feelings about your decision. You are with your son every single day, only you know what his needs are and if he needs the medication to succeed in life, then he needs it. While the meds are often over-diagnosed, there are some kids who truly benefit, and sounds as if your son is one of them.

I fully support you and am an ear if you ever need a single thing or even just have a question.

I loved your blog, but this post really spoke to me.

[wife soup]

Thanks to everyone who has offered support. It really means a lot. It is funny, I didn't realize how emotional this was for me until I started reading it aloud to my husband, and could not get through it without crying. I didn't cry when I wrote it, but somehow when I read it aloud I was really able to feel it. Thanks again!

[Blog_Antagonist]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was very, very familiar and I can't tell you how much it helps to know that someone else experienced such conflicting emotions about medicating their child. We are just beginning our journey, so I don't yet know what the repercussions will be. But I know that something had to be done. We'll see if that something is the solutions we've been seeking. I'm glad your son has seen some benefit from your decision!

[Joanne Reed]

As a special educator with 2 children with ADHD (one inattentive and one combined) I sympathize with your struggle to make the decision to medicate. The thing that did it for me was to ask, how much happier are my children now that they can focus? Most kids just want to please the people with whom they have interactions. When these interactions are positive, everyone wins. Sometimes, behavior management techniques are not enough. (And I thoroughly agree with Kathy Riddle that self-medication is not the way you want your son to go.)

I'm so glad your child was able to achieve his goal of honor roll! Isn't it worth it?